I  sound like a , no I AM a broken record. People pursue you to become friends, you don’t initiate it they do, and then one fine day when you have let them in, in to places which wound the most, they strike and leave, without a word. In a way I guess if they initiated the arrival, their carrying on the tradition should not be cause for complaint, rather it has nice ring of justice IF only it didn’t hurt so much! How the hell do you leave without a word, one day you are the best of friends calling each other at all times of day and night and the next it is just stony silence.

I have tried, god knows I have tried, in all the ways I know how, I have called, I have texted, I have ranted, I have tried to be logical, I have literally done everything except beg (calling someone umpteen times without a single response comes pretty close I would say), I have slaughtered my ego and that’s ok because its YOU but I have failed. I admit I have failed, and failed miserably at finding what I did wrong and I just don’t know what or how to ask anymore. And it hurts. It freaking hurts.

You don’t leave friends has become a litany to the point of a wail. Anger has mutated to numbness which gave way to a rush of grief. They taught us in medicine that when the blood supply to any area is restored after a long time, the inflow of blood is accompanied by sharp pain – well its worse, way worse with emotions. When hearts break they don’t make a beautiful tinkling sound like glass, they break with a boom into smithereens and its not a pretty sight. And it hurts.

I have gone from asking for a “why” to a “how” to restore things, from anger to grief and it doesn’t help. I have asked if you don’t want to talk to me any longer for with my trust issues I cant leave or quit (doesn’t take a genius to figure out why!  That’s my subconscious desire for someone I want NOT quitting on me that makes me behave this way)  without a clear NO even and met with stony silence. The utopian wants to cling to the belief that your statuses and amended posts on facebook are aimed at me, that the lack of a ‘no’ is your way of wanting me there but the cynic stands and screams that reality is actions, not interpretations of actions in ways you want no matter how much you want to cling to them. And so I hurt, and I hurt , and I hurt.

Merry Christmas and a freaking happy new year.