People are weird, and the games they play weirder still. I fail to understand both despite the many years I have spent trying to do so … in vain. Ego apparently seems to be a big factor, one I don’t understand as always. I mean if you want to speak to someone, go ahead and do so because YOU want to, but no apparently that’s what idiots do. The saner ones balance the score and yes they do keep a score. No matter how many times they tell you they enjoy bluntness, the sad truth, one I fail to ever accept is that they don’t. You tell them they are NOT friends, they tell you they are ok with that, you like  the cretin you are take it at face value only to have them blow up and scream how THAT was not what they meant a few days later.  They then claim they want to talk to you but in order for them to do so, they need to first balance all the times you said you didn’t want to. The whole circularity of the matter is enough to make one want to jump off the spinning top, which never stops.

You want to talk to someone, talk because YOU want to, who cares about the scores? For when you start keeping a tab, the score becomes the focus instead of the person and THAT apparently is the PIVOTAL point, something my mind just refuses to accept but that’s not the only thing where my mind fails and flounders.

For me fights are private, meant to be confined between the 2 parties who are arguing, they aren’t meant to be paraded, discussed, debated and announced to all and sundry even they include mutual friends. What’s the point of talking to someone if you can’t tell him or her what is bothering you? Aren’t they the ones who you should be addressing the issue to instead of a third party who wasn’t involved?  Similarly if you don’t want to talk to them for whatever reason your brain has, a reason I probably wont understand anyways, why must it be announced? What happened to honor among thieves? Its just NOT the done thing (does anyone even understand the concept of that anymore I wonder?) to spill the details just because you are no longer talking to them

S tells me it’s my fault and I agree. According to her my compassion for the underdog is something I carry a little too far. I nudge them, prod them, cheer them on to become the alpha they were never meant to be and when they reach the pseudo alpha, where they have the superficial traits without the deeper sense of responsibility and honor that differentiates the real alpha, guess who they turn on and kick the most ferociously?  Maybe the shoe fits, maybe it doesn’t, all I know is that sometimes all it takes is a single sentence or even a single word for the temper to fizzle out, for the ember to burn out leaving behind nothing but a blank indifference where you just don’t care anymore, this is the point where all and any desire to fight, argue or work things out just vanishes leaving behind a void, one I would give anything to avoid for in that void I, being idiot maximus that I am lose way more then you ever do. Every time it’s a part of me, a small yet intrinsic part of me that fizzles to oblivion